Three Word Chant! » humor

Birthday morning

Three Word Chant — Tue, 30 Nov 2010 16:54:27 +0000

I woke up from a dream this morning and it felt much later than I had set my alarm for. My phone was dead apparently. I went into the living room and turned on a light, but that was dead also. The power must have gone out. Something seemed off but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I looked up and noticed that the light bulbs in the kitchen had all been replaced with spotlights, and the old bulbs were sitting on the counter. I kind of freaked out..I had definitely not done that. I heard someone breathing on the other side of my apartment..it sounded like they were sitting at my desk. I grabbed a sword that was next to my bed and got ready to deal with whomever had broken in. I went running around the corner, and right before I attacked, I realized it was my landlord. He said he had been working on the apartment, and probably should have called to let me know he was going to let himself in while I was sleeping. I asked him why the power was out. He said that the fridge was using too much energy so he didn’t want me using it. I opened the fridge and there was a bunch of melted and dripping food. Some leftover salad looked at me and said “please close the door, you’re letting all the air out!” Then my alarm actually went off.

This doesn’t seem to cover whatever is going on in my brain. That’s the last time I eat right before bed.

Filed under: humor, personal

Hell

Three Word Chant — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 19:46:54 +0000

(via Xkcd)

Filed under: humor, technology

The greatest tournament ever?

Three Word Chant — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 15:02:54 +0000

Forget March Madness. Ignore the World Series. Every so often, a tournament comes along that completely encapsulates the human condition and captivates the world. Enter – the Name of the Year bracket.

From the website: “Name of the Year was founded in 1983 on an Ivy League campus. Its mission has remained unchanged: to discover, verify, nominate, elect and disseminate great names. All names included here are, to the best of our knowledge, real. No malice is intended.”

In a nutshell, this esteemed website creates a bracket where people can vote on different names, ultimately ending up with a name of the year. In case this doesn’t sound hilarious yet, here are some of the names:

Spartacus Bernstein
Pamela Balls Organista
Napoleon Einstein
Hannukkah Wallace
Lolita Respectnothing

Part of the wonder of this blog is the lengths they go to identify the names as being real through newspaper articles, magazines, etc. Knowing that Charity Beaver is actually out there somewhere makes the whole thing even better. Below is a link to the full bracket for the year. I highly recommend looking at past years as well because there are some real gems in there. When you’re done, go vote! (Thanks to Brett for the link)

Filed under: culture, humor, sports

Video Game Health Care Bill

Three Word Chant — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 17:15:28 +0000

CollegeHumor put together a great spoof of the health care debate, using video game characters as a backdrop. Obama is giving a joint address to Congress with some quality lines – “Insurers will no longer be able to deny coverage to mini-bosses based on preexisting weaknesses.”

Huge bonus points for the Toejam and Earl cameo!

(h/t to Brett for the link)

Filed under: humor, technology

The Parking Nazis of Astoria

Three Word Chant — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 19:35:44 +0000

Now that I’m working in Chicago, the times I’m home are few and far between. This has caused me to only focus on the important things when I’m in NY.

Alternate side parking is an important thing.

I have amassed many parking tickets over the years, dating back to my college days ($5 UPD tickets were not as big a disincentive as $115 NYC ones). I am now very careful about where I park. Apparently, that’s not enough for one of my neighbors.

I came back to my car the other day and noticed a folded up paper on the windsheild. My first thought was a ticket, but it didn’t look like one. The following is what I saw:

I ran into the house to show Lauren, somewhat incredulously. Not only did someone take the time to write out such an obnoxious note, but I wasn’t even taking up two spots – I was on the corner.

Lauren noticed the best part – this was actually a photocopy. That means that someone is so upset about spot encroachment on our wide open street that they made multiple copies of this missive of friendship. One would think “your” would be spelled right before undergoing such a project, but I digress.

I have lived in Queens for five years now, and I have never lived anywhere with more parking, but let this be a lesson to anyone who visits – you may be under constant surveillance.

If you enjoyed this, I highly recommend checking out PassiveAggressiveNotes.com, which contains many photographs of vaguely threatening signs, notes and messages.

Filed under: humor, personal

Hidden weapons

Three Word Chant — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 18:38:55 +0000

Courtesy of Matt (who else would find this?). Slightly NSFW language

Filed under: humor

The Scum River Bridge

Three Word Chant — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 13:58:08 +0000

I was hesitant to even post about this because it besmirches the good name of Astoria…but it’s hilarious. Throughout the Ditmars area, there is an elevated bridge for the Amtrak train. The gigantic support structures form an arch and people typically paint the undersides.

At one of the intersections, there’s a leaky scum pipe that causes a 50ft patch of nasty ice in the winter. Two Astorians dubbed this “Scum River”, and like any children of the 80′s, attempted to ford the river.

They constructed a bridge with recycled materials and put it up shortly thereafter, even getting a commendation from City Councilman Peter Vallone. It’s not too far from my house so I’ll have to see if it’s still up this weekend. While it sucks that we have an iceberg made out of waste, I think this speaks to the broader creativity and civic engagement of Astorians.

Thanks to Lauren-Philly for the article!

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Filed under: humor, personal

Crank Yankers

Three Word Chant — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 15:31:57 +0000

Apparently my younger brother Austin is a budding comedy superstar. He has posted several crank call videos to YouTube (which are quite hilarious). His efforts to remain anonymous are somewhat hindered by him using his real name and showing his face, but I digress.

His YouTube channel can be found here (user name ARakandJRod). Here is my favorite clip:

(Also, I am alive, will one day be home from Chicago, and slept through a 4.5 earthquake two days ago)

Filed under: humor, personal

Pee silently, young grasshopper

Three Word Chant — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 22:38:07 +0000

As a guy, I have never worried too much about bathroom noises. In fact, I support them.

Women, however, are another story. Before using the bathroom, my girlfriend often turns on the sink and shower while blasting Pavarotti. The only way to block out more noise would be to form a black hole somewhere near the hand towels.

Leave it to Japan, then, to solve a problem that no man has. Enter the Pee Without Noise Stool!

This one-of-a-kind product eliminates the “sit or stand” debate by presenting an awkward middle option – the halfway kneel. I guess the theory is that by dropping “Godzilla” very close to the water line, there is less distance to travel and thus a quieter splash. Fascinating.

My favorite part of the website is where they actually show this in practice. As you can see, everyone’s urinary tract is a teapot. Standing up causes a big splash, and sitting causes you to aim right and pee on the seat while displaying oddly Hebrew-like characters. Only the Pee Without Stool enables the silent stream. Happy Friday!

Posted in culture, humor

The g-spot is a myth!

Three Word Chant — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 19:24:25 +0000

As you may have heard, recent research from King’s College in London has suggested that the G-spot is a myth. According to the report:

The study suggests that there is no genetic basis for the G-spot and that environmental or psychological factors may contribute to whether a woman believes that she has a G-spot. The new study is published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

This has been getting a lot of news play (no pun intended), even within traditional news sources like the Clitoral News Network. Since there are far more pressing things going on in the world, I thought this was best left to the always excellent web comic xkcd.

Posted in culture, humor